The Lysistrata Satire

Here is the Lysistrata piece. It mainly consists of a conversation between George W. (G) and Laura (L - same as Lysistrata, what a coincidence) Bush. It also has some small parts contributed by Dick Cheney (D) and Cindy Sheehan (C).


Lysistrata

G.W. Bush and Laura Bush with Dick Cheney and Cindy Sheehan.

L – You don’t need tanks and artillery to bring me out, just brains dummy.

G – Is that so butthead? Where’s my lackey? Tie this woman up.

L – If that bonehead touches me I will beat him down.

(Dick backs down)

G – What, you’re scared of her? Just tie her up. Trust me, I’ve done it plenty of times.

C – Touch her and I’ll beat you til you shit.

G – Hey you potty mouth. Grab her first Dick.

L – Touch her and I’ll give you a black eye and pull your hair.

G – Look, now you’ve scared Dick. I can’t let you women get your way, I’ll have my secret service men beat you up.

L – Homemakers and queens of the kitchen unite! Bite them! Scratch them! Pull their hair! Call them names!

(Secret service men fall to the ground beaten and with wounded pride)

G – Hey, you beat up my boys. Now I got diddly-squat for protection.

D – These dang women. What are we gonna do with them? They should be licking our toes and giving us nice rubdowns, but instead of giving us pleasure they pull our hair.

G – Alright Laura, what are you doing barring the doors to Fort Knox anyway?

L – I’m keeping the money here to starve the war.

G – Money – and starving? Huh? What does that have to do with the war on terror? I don’t get it. What do you plan on doing?

L – I’m taking control of the allocation of public funds George. I was always the one to do our taxes at home anyway.

G – But, that’s not fair!

L – Why?

G – I want to spend it on my war! Women don’t fight wars!

L – And you don’t have to either.

G – But the terrorists will get us!

L – We’ll save you.

G – You can’t save us, you’re just a women. Only violence will put an end to the killing.

L – Na uh.

G – Ya huh.

L – Na uh.

G – But that’s not fair! How can you meddle with the affairs of the President?

L – You started this stupid little never-ending war and I didn’t say anything about it. Nobody wanted to do it but we kept quiet. Well I’ve had enough.

G – Well somebody should have said something.

L – You’re a dumby.

G – Insufferably presumptuous notion!

L – Shut up!

G – No, you! You’ve gotten ugly as you’ve gotten older. That’s why you where such fancy dresses and cake on the make-up!

L - I guess you just don't know what it is like to be a woman. Here, we'll show you.

(They dress G.W. up like a woman)

L - Quit your whining! Just sit there and curl your hair. The real women will take care of the war from now on.

C - You go girl! We're in control now. Grannies on the go, mommies with mucho macho!

G - What are you gonna do?

L - Well first we're gonna bring the boys back home.

C - Hell yes!

G - But they're dedicated to me and my cause.

L - More like dedicated to the dweeb.

G - But terror is all over the world. You bring the boys back and they will take over. How are you going to deal with that?

L - Without a lot of strain.

G - What!? How?

L - We'll talk to them.

G - For cryin out loud woman, we're in a crisis! How is talking to them going to solve anything? L - Well maybe if you weren't such a jerk and spouting off Christian ideals and loosen up border control then everyone would stop being so pissed off. We need to spread love to stop the killing. Women are good at that sort of thing.

G - I don't get it. Love? What does that have to do with war?

L - You idiot. Us women pay the biggest price because it is our sons that we love that go off and die. Just look at Cindy, she’s upset!

G - I never wanted young boys to die, but if you wanna make an omelet you gotta crack some eggs.

L - You never even stopped to think of the women! You just said, 'screw them.' Well I feel bad for the old hags that never get married.

G - (earnestly) Don't men get old?

L - It's not the same. Men can still get laid when they're old.

G - As long as he can get it up. L - Shut up and die! (they dress him as a corpse)

L - Don't worry, we'll take care of everything.

G - Respect my authority! This isn't fair! But...but...

(women exit.)