The Antigone Satire

This is the first part of our play/presentation. I didn't write any of this one, and want to give credit to John and Danielle for an extremely humorous script.

Narrator

In a far off kingdom dwelt an ignorant king, whose drunken daughters caused almost as much embarrassment as his own words caused him. Here, the idiotic tyrant confronts the defiant party goers in an attempt to dissuade them from further embarrassment upon his house.

Antigone, pg 17 line 401

George: Why have you arrested my daughter, Mr. Policeman?

Police Officer: She was drinking that bottle of Jack. Now you know it all, Mr. President.

George: What exactly do you mean? Can you, um, explain it a bit more slowly?

Police Officer: Well, I saw this girl guzzling that bottle of Jack at a frat party. You told them not to. Clear enough for you Mr. President?

George: How did you see this? Did ya catch her in the act?

Police Officer: Mr. President, let me tell you how it happened in the simplest terms possible. I saw her drinking that bottle of booze.

George: You there, Ms. Barbara Pierce Bush! With yer head bowed to the ground—Did ye do this? Or ye gonna spin me a tale?

Barb: Of course not Dad, I did it. I’m not gonna deny it.

George: (To the Police Officer) You can leave now, Mr. Police Officer. Not a word to anyone, or I’ll send ye to Iraq! (To Barb) As for you, little missy, you knew I told you not to go out drinking!

Barb: Ya I know, I remember.

George: But you decided to go out anyway!

Barb: I really don’t see what the big deal is. Someone a long time ago came up with this lame drinking law, and I’m supposed to live by it? How stupid! Besides, everyone is doing it.

George: I’m the decider, and I decide what is best. And what’s best if for my daughter Barbara Pierce Bush to remain sober. There is distrust in this family. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this family. And I’m sorry it’s the case, and I’ll work hard to try to elevate it.”

Barb: Look, I admitted to it, what more do you want?

George: Yeah, that’s what I want. But make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is. I talk to families who die.

Barb: If you understand, then what ,more is there to talk about? You’re so dumb, your words disgust me. Just shut up already!

George: I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe—I believe what’s I believe is right.

Barb: You’re not always right dad.

George: Fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me-- you can’t get fooled again.

Barb: That made no sense whatsoever.

George: Wasn’t yer sister back there drinking too?

Barb: Um,…I, I don’t remember?

George: Yer disgracing the name of my mother, yer grandma. Why ye doing this?

Barb: I’ll never tell you, you don’t understand anything.

George: If both of ye are equal then both of ye deserve disgrace.

Barb: But why?

George: I’m the commander—see, I don’t need to explain—I do not need to explain why I say things. That’s the interesting thing about being a president.

Barb: But dad, you should trust me to make my own decisions.

George: But you know the difference between good and bad booze, don’t ya?

Barb: What? What are you talking about?

George: The enemy of alchohol is always, um, the enemy of alchohol.

Barb: Right…

George: Yer going to a reform school, and you can love some cheap booze there! As long as I’m around, I’m the decider!

Enter-Jenna Bush

George: Now you. Hiding in the White House like a snake, a boozesucker in the West Wing! And I never realized I was raising a pair of deadly, crazed revolutionaries! Come on and say it! Were you drinking this booze too? Or do you swear you knew nothing about it?

Jenna: Yeah, I’ve had a few…we went to that frat party together, I helped get the booze, and it’s my responsibility too.

Barb: Jenna, just shut up, you’re gonna get into trouble because of my dumb idea.

Jenna-But that was your booze! I’m not ashamed; I’ll be your drinking buddy.

Barb: No, I won’t let you! The President of the U.S. can’t have two daughters that are screw ups.

Jenna: No, please! I’m your sister! Please let me still be your drinking buddy! Lets go to another frat party really soon!

Barb: No, you can’t repeat my mistakes.

Jenna: Who am I going to drink with when you’re at reform school?

Barb: I don’t know, ask Dad.

Jenna: Why are you being such a snobby bitch?

Barb: Look, its for your own good. I’m trying to help you lead a better life than I do.

Jenna: But I still want to help you. What can I do without booze?

Barb: There are many activites you can be involved with-sobriety….like….?

Jenna: O misery! Why am I to be cut off from all the drinking?

Barb: Because I chose a life of alcoholism and I’m sick of you copying me!

Jenna: But I gave you reasons not to take that last bottle.

Barb: Yes, you are smarter than I. You take after Mom, whereas I take after Dad.

Jenna: Yes, I know. But daddy just doesn’t understand!

Barb: Ya, well what did you expect?

George: What a pair of children! One of you lost her booze puking in the bathroom moments ago, the other had her booze taken away by the police.

Jenna: That is right, sir. Whenever we get drunk, we’re totally not responsible for what crazy stuff we do! We were out of our minds!

George: Yeah, you were, when you deliberately joined a criminal in a crime.

Jenna: Without her, why should I live? I’d be drinking alone.

George: Her? Don’t speak of her, she’s off to reform school.

Jenna: But will you really send off one of your dear daughters?

George: I’m also not very analytical. You know I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about myself, or why I do things.

Jenna: But no one is suited enough to be my drinking partner!

George: I loathe bad women. What does loathe mean again?

Barb: What an idiot….

George: Shut up! What a pain in the ass you two sisters are. Hmmm. The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done. Anybody who is in a position to serve this country ought to understand the consequences of words. Secret Service! Take them inside, they are drunken women, and they must not be free to roam about. Even a stupid girl flees from reform school, when she sees her freedom in immediate danger.